She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
