I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
