There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
