Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
