all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
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