Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
