I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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