Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
