some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
COCAINE IS GR8
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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