I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
