woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
