cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
