I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize