I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Randomize
