he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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