i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
