I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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