i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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