I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
