just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
