my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Houston, we have a blender
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
