He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
