Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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