Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
