Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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