you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Also, beer. Big fan.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
