her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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