forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
