my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
