I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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