My liver just broke up with me...
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
