Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
