i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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