My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
