dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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