College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
