She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
