You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
