Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
