i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
