Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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