seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
