It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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