Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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