her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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