Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
