My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
