never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
