Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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