Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize
