Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
