I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
