Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
