That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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