so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
