I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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