Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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