I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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