I didn't shave. On purpose
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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