he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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