I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize