Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
