Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
